To feel or not to feel...

My apologies to my loyal followers, (all five of you), for my lack of posts. The day before yesterday was spent marathon studying from 6 a.m. to 6 p.m. then being brutally assaulted by a mental minefield of an exam. When I got home the only thought I could form was, "Must make face meet pillow." Then last night as I was about to start writing I was hit with a very strange mini-bout of what seemed like food poisoning. For whatever reason the blog-gods did not want me posting, but today is a new day!

I wrote almost an entire post this morning about a negative interaction I had with someone yesterday, and in a move that can only mean growth, I deleted it. Yesterday is over and today is my last day of school before a two day reprieve and my sister coming in for a visit! Our relationship has changed so much over the past year. We used to be so at odds, so hurtful to one another, and now I can't remember the last time something hateful was said. I am so very grateful that we are becoming closer, and even more grateful that on her one week of vacation she wants to come see me. My biggest sisterly faux-pas recently is that I very carelessly scheduled a class during Survivor, when we are supposed to have a standing date of texting one another about 100 times per episode. Mom, you may hate reality TV, but it has brought your girls closer!

I am especially grateful for my health this morning. Particularly because whatever bug had ahold of me last night has departed, but generally because all day yesterday I received news of friends of friends who are suffering so greatly. I think it is important for me, as one of the 3 million women in America with IC, to remember that I have the right to whatever emotions come up about my diagnosis, but I have the responsibility to put my struggles in perspective. I do not have cancer, diabetes, Crohn's, etc. that affect the people that I know and love. I have a pissy little problem, but I have my health.

Lately, I have not been in much pain, which is a wonderful side effect of the cystoscopy I had. They said I could go without pain for three months as a result. This however has led to a struggle lately to find what to write about, because I am wondering if writing about something that isn't affecting my life the way others are suffering is petty and trivial. Is writing about my journey with a disease that hasn't dramatically affected my quality of life selfish? I don't know. This may sound absurd, but it is almost as if I feel guilty for being well right now, or like I need to actually be suffering to have the right to be writing a blog about this disease. Does anyone else feel like they don't have the right to be vocal when they are having "a good day"? Has our society dictated that with all the suffering out there, we can only emote when things are shitty?

It seems to me that there is a thin line between gratitude and guilt, and we Southern women have worn that line permanently into the ground. There will always be someone who is suffering much more than us, but I don't think that means we have to feel guilty for trying to process our own lives as they come at us, day by day. We have to find the protected space in between gratitude and guilt, so that we can come to terms with our own tribulations while keeping the trials of others in our thoughts, prayers, or whatever else allows us to feel empathy. I really just want what I express in this space to be about knowing you are not alone in your struggles, whether you are sick or not.