Just give it a week.

As I lay here in bed, snuggled up in a robe that feel's like a hug from a cumulus cloud, I can't help but think what a difference a week makes. Let me start by saying I came home from a very long workday to a new robe, slippers, and matching eye mask from the world's best boyfriend. It's hard not to get a case of the warm fuzzies from that. I am wrapped in happiness right now, which feels a little hypocritical since I spent the bulk of last week in a funk so deep I thought I might never know joy again.
Last week brought a number of trials and I felt like a miserable failure more and more as each hour passed. I studied my tail off for a series of finals that can only be described as pure hell. Walking out of final after final feeling like I screwed the pooch did a number on my self-esteem and once again I wanted to throw in the towel on the Dr. thing. I felt as though nothing I could do would ever be enough. Then, after finishing exams and deciding that although my work life is unfulfilling, at least I have been given the opportunity to make decent money and not have to worry about finances for awhile. Cut to four hours later, when I am told that budget cuts have reduced my weekly billable hours to 30. More and more kept happening, hour by hour, that made it feel like I was being drop kicked by life, not to mention all this stress was making my IC symptoms go postal.
Despite all my positivity based posts, and attempts at keeping the faith, last week felt like I might never see sunshine again. I was heartbroken in all aspects of my life, so when my mother suggested that I would get through this, and it was just the dark before the dawn, I felt like firing back with negativity, but I was simply too drained. So I took her word for it, and tried to keep my despair from swallowing me whole.
I woke up Friday morning to a tear and mascara stained pillow to the realization that all of these issues I'm facing are yet again out of my control. I can't retake exams, or negotiate for more hours with a state agency that is hanging on by a thread, and there are people making choices that I can't change. Ugh, here it is again. I can't change anything, I can only change how it affects me. Seriously, this blog is becoming less about IC and more about learning how to change my attitude everyday. Sorry y'all.
However, I learned a new lesson about controlling my reactions this time. Normally, I would feel like my plummet into temporary depression was a failure, but, you know, I think I needed it. We can't keep it together all the time. I needed to be a little heartbroken for a little while. I needed to grieve the loss of my expectations for school, work, personal life, because once I did that I was more able to accept new realities. Most amazingly, as soon as I started to let go of my expectations, life threw me a few bones. As unhappy as I was last week, I am equivocally happy this one. It's hard not to be happy in a new robe. What a difference a week makes.