Just give it a week.

As I lay here in bed, snuggled up in a robe that feel's like a hug from a cumulus cloud, I can't help but think what a difference a week makes. Let me start by saying I came home from a very long workday to a new robe, slippers, and matching eye mask from the world's best boyfriend. It's hard not to get a case of the warm fuzzies from that. I am wrapped in happiness right now, which feels a little hypocritical since I spent the bulk of last week in a funk so deep I thought I might never know joy again.
Last week brought a number of trials and I felt like a miserable failure more and more as each hour passed. I studied my tail off for a series of finals that can only be described as pure hell. Walking out of final after final feeling like I screwed the pooch did a number on my self-esteem and once again I wanted to throw in the towel on the Dr. thing. I felt as though nothing I could do would ever be enough. Then, after finishing exams and deciding that although my work life is unfulfilling, at least I have been given the opportunity to make decent money and not have to worry about finances for awhile. Cut to four hours later, when I am told that budget cuts have reduced my weekly billable hours to 30. More and more kept happening, hour by hour, that made it feel like I was being drop kicked by life, not to mention all this stress was making my IC symptoms go postal.
Despite all my positivity based posts, and attempts at keeping the faith, last week felt like I might never see sunshine again. I was heartbroken in all aspects of my life, so when my mother suggested that I would get through this, and it was just the dark before the dawn, I felt like firing back with negativity, but I was simply too drained. So I took her word for it, and tried to keep my despair from swallowing me whole.
I woke up Friday morning to a tear and mascara stained pillow to the realization that all of these issues I'm facing are yet again out of my control. I can't retake exams, or negotiate for more hours with a state agency that is hanging on by a thread, and there are people making choices that I can't change. Ugh, here it is again. I can't change anything, I can only change how it affects me. Seriously, this blog is becoming less about IC and more about learning how to change my attitude everyday. Sorry y'all.
However, I learned a new lesson about controlling my reactions this time. Normally, I would feel like my plummet into temporary depression was a failure, but, you know, I think I needed it. We can't keep it together all the time. I needed to be a little heartbroken for a little while. I needed to grieve the loss of my expectations for school, work, personal life, because once I did that I was more able to accept new realities. Most amazingly, as soon as I started to let go of my expectations, life threw me a few bones. As unhappy as I was last week, I am equivocally happy this one. It's hard not to be happy in a new robe. What a difference a week makes.

Today...

...sucked.

Pinterest and Pissypower

I've noticed lately that I have ceased to have independent thoughts of my own; I just see photos and phrases that I like on Pinterest and re-post them. Anyone else having this problem? Anyone else waiting an eternity for the coveted Pinterest "invitation"? I think they should start kicking off some of the super zealous country fried moms on there and start giving out passwords to simple souls like myself who just want to steal ideas on how to turn paper mache water balloons into candle holders.
Speaking of stealing things from Pinterest, I came across this quote today and I really liked it. Granted, I could do without the shabby not-so-chic butterfly background and the interesting attempt at typography, but the message is the same no matter how you try to dress it up. "At any given moment you have the power to say this is not how the story is going to end." Now, I'm not saying we should flog every dead horse into the ground, but I like the idea that I have the power to say "when", or to have a say in how a story is going to play out.
As most of you have probably gathered from my previous posts, I have been traveling down the road toward medical school for over two years now. This road trip has about two more years on it before I reach my destination, and there have been a lot of times I've wanted to take detours or turn around or just stop where I am and set up shop. If I had realized my own capacity or had a little more faith in my ability to decide my future, I probably would already be a medical student, having followed through in college. Life is a series of hurdles however, and most of the time struggling is more character-building than just achieving your goals flat out (at least that's what I'm going to tell myself when I see classmates of mine already graduating medical school). In college I gave up and thought, "well this just isn't who I'm supposed to be" and I told myself that having the maturity to let it go was the real success. In some situations it is, but I was selling myself so short I think I almost missed out on my spot in the world. The amazing thing is, years later it hit me that even though I had shut that door, a window was open and I had to make the choice whether or not to close it. It literally is never too late (unless you're in your 90's, in which case, it's time to let go). It's never over, til YOU say it's over.
I also like this quote because it makes me appreciate the situations in which we have no say in the outcome, just how we deal with it. There are a lot of things out of my control in life and before IC came along I couldn't come to terms with that. Let's be real, I'm still working on fighting my inner control freak, as J will attest. At least I am aware now. Finding out that I would have IC forever made me think about how long forever would be if I let this become my defining characteristic. I can't change the physical effects of IC, but I can control the effect it has on my dignity, my personality and my character. This IC story is going to have new chapters throughout my life but I get to be in charge of if and how it changes me. IC may have power over my body, but I have the power to say how I want this story to go, and no one can control that, but me.